Just One Shot
by Shanghai Honey
Summary: Collection of crazy, wacky, oneshots. Newest Akatsuki Member, Twelve Chaotic Shinobi's and more to come. You've never seen anything like this.
1. Newest Akatsuki Member

_A/N:_ My first one-shot ever.

_Discaimer:_ I admit fully and onwardly, I DO NOT OWN NARUTO...we all wish...we all wish...

_Summary:_ Itachi kills the entire Uchiha clan. What will he do now? After reading an anonymous flyer on the streets, he's finally decided, he'll join Akatsuki. Easier said than done.

_Genre: _Humor

_Casting: _Itachi, Deidara, Kisame, Akatsuki Leader, Orochimaru, Sasori, and last but not least, JIRAIYA!

**Newest Akatsuki Member  
**_By Shanghai Honey_

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Itachi viewed his stained blood hands with careful and notable consideration. Stranded in a forest at the darkest hour, he sighed distressfully. He had just come back from killing his entire clan. The Uchiha clan. One of the best in Konoha...

Well, not any more.

What was he thinking exactly? He must be mental. Killing his clan in barely one night and leaving his brother to suffer. He seriously needed to be in a mental institute. His actions were indecisive.

There he was, sitting there, remaining in the same spot for serveral minutes, in solitude. Maybe there was the slightest chance of...apologizing?

He visualized himself, standing before the Hokage...apologizing. "Sorry, I slaughtered my clan a few hours ago, forgive me?" It wasn't as simple as that.

Well, he might as well be going. There was no point in staying any longer. The ANBU would soon arrive, searching for him. And he refused to go to 'ninja jail'.

Casting one last, wistful glance near his _former_ home he called, 'Konoha', he walked away.

-

-

Arriving near a new village, so far away from Konoha, he stopped by to taste the wonders of water. While on his way, he came across of a flyer. Itachi's only intention was taking a sip of water and moving on to the next village. Why, you ask?

Because he had no life.

He looked breifly at the flyer. But soon later, he was clearly attentive in what it had to say. The flyer had simple colors, red and black. It was printed with strange designs. Near the top of the flyer, it read:

_JOIN AKATSUKI, OR DIE_

For a second there, Itachi wasn't so sure he wanted to know more. But instead of being dead inside and moving on to the next town, he kept his reading glasses on.

_S-class criminals allowed only.  
NO WIMPS!  
And if you must, bring a woman over as palymate.  
NO WIMPS!  
If needed more information,  
dial our number,  
808-KILL FOR LIFE-666  
NO WIMPS!_

Itachi thought the flyer was too idiotic to be presented near him, so he attempted to take off. That is, until...

"Hey, Kisame. Do you think people will fall for it?" whispered a blond, womanly man.

"Be quiet, bird brain! What does it matter to you? This prank if full proof. Once somebody _stupid _dials that number, we'll have a reason to kill him." some guy who looks somewhat like a shark, chuckled.

The blond woman-man seemed like he was about to flip his hair aside out of irritation. But he/she remained still. Although if he/she did proceed with the hair flip, Itachi would've been certain he/she was a girl.

The shark-guy and woman-man finally noticed some kid standing at a very near distance, with a face, hard as stone. "Whats wrong, kid? Do you have to go potty?" asked Kisame, and quite seriously.

Itachi frowned, just slightly. "I want to join the Akatsuki." he stated clearly and firmly. "I know they're a real criminal organization." his eyes narrowed.

Kisame and Deidara surpressed a laugh. A cold, cruel laugh. "Uh, what are you talking about?"

Itachi kept calm and cool. "Everyone knows about it. It isn't as uncommon as you think." he replied cooly.

Kisame and Deidara merely stiffed a snort. "Ok, kid-,"

"My name is Itachi."

"Like we care?" Deidara snorted.

'_He will be eating those words someday._' thought Itachi.

"We'll bring you to our hideout, yeah...," Deidara nudged Kisame lightly on the shoulder. "But if the boss decideds you're not good enough to join, we'll kill you. Deal?" Deidara held out his bony, skeleton-like, hand.

Itachi dared not to touch something so disgusting, but took it anyhow. "Whatever." he muttered rudely.

"Well, he certainly has the stiff attitude." said Kisame.

-

-

Their walk lasted for a few hours now, and both Deidara and Kisame couldn't stand the silence. This kid was too...quiet. But they couldn't just ignore him...that would be rude.

"Uh...so, kid-"

"Itachi."

"Riiiight. Itachi. Why are you so desperate to join the Akatsuki, yeah?"

Itachi paused. "Because there was nothing on TV." he rolled his eyes.

Deidara and Kisame tried to ignore his caustic remark and began walking along. "So have you done any evil during the past few days?" was Kisame's excellent and brilliant question.

"I killed my entire clan four days ago. If that's what you mean?" said Itachi.

Kisame and Deidara exchanged impressive looks and kept walking. "Wow." they mouthed out.

"Hey, maybe he is good for the Akatsuki, yeah?" whispered Deidara.

"He could be a liar." replied Kisame.

"He doesn't really look like one...yeah..." Deidara observed Itachi glaring at everything around him constantly.

-

-

"SAY WHAT?" the 'leader' of Akatsuki roared. "Kid, you're too...scrawny to be an Akatsuki." he laughed immensely and coughed continuously.

"Must I always repeated myself? My name is Itachi." replied Itachi, with a voice as calm as ever.

The leader of Akatsuki ignored him like the rest. "Just look at Kisame."

Kisame flashed a smirk and his shirt tore apart, showing off his muscular bod.

"Not bad." the Akatsuki leader did a thumbs up. "And Deidara-"

Deidara smiled intensely.

"Uh, well...he's kind of scrawny too." muttered the leader. "But thats basically because he's part bird." he shrugged.

Deidara's smile demolished. "I'm not part bird!" he took this as an insult. "I just like making them out of clay!" he protested with a furious attitude. "Yeah!"

The leader nodded his head slowly. "Suuuure, Deidara, suuuure."

And right on cue, Orochimaru walked in wearing nothing but underwear. "What's going on!" he rubbed his eyes. "I need my five hour beauty sleep, people!" he waved his long tongue in the air.

"Just five hours?" Deidara and Kisame chuckled.

"ER! Why is everyone so SCRAWNY! Is Kisame the only buffed up idiot here!" the Akatsuki leader threw his hands up into the air.

Itachi ignored everyone's rants and rambles about bodies, completely unaware of what was going on in the first place. Sure he was...skinny. But that can all change in a few years.

"So am I in?" asked Itachi, dryly.

The Akatsuki leader grunted. "You are fairly impressive, kid-"

"Itachi."

"Whatever." rolls eyes. "But you have to be initiated first. You'll have to go through multitudes of complicated tests, with many difficult obstacles. And if you don't pass each with flying colors, then we will have to kill you." he replied casually.

Itachi still wore his poker face. "Because I know too much information and could possibly leak?"

"No, because we do it for fun." Itachi searched for any hint of sarcasm in his voice. He found none...

-

-

**Test Number One:**

Itachi cautiously took notice in Kisame and Deidara's whispers and chuckles. They were currently thinking of the first test. What was he supposed to do exactly? Thoughts like this raced through his mind constantly.

"OoooOooo, that's a good one." Kisame chuckled.

Deidara snickered behind his hand. "Yeah, yeah. So lets hurry and give him the test." he nodded his head frantically.

"Ok, kid-"

"Itachi."

"Sure." said Kisame. "As for your first test." he flashed Deidara a smirk. "You'll have to...," he kept snickering.

Itachi leaned it. This was pure stupidity, but in order to get into the Akatsuki, he'll have to do whatever these idiots told him.

"Here's a camera. While Sasori is taking a bath, take a picture of his penis." Deidara nearly dropped on the floor, laughing to no end. "In a few minutes, sneak into Akatsuki bathroom, and take the picture before he slaughters you!" said Kisame as he shoved the camera hurridly in Itachi's hand.

"Sasori?" Itachi frowned.

Deidara smirked. "He appears to be young, yeah. But he's actaully super, super old. Who knows how old he actaully is. He could be sixty, or a hundred. He was the one who killed the first Kazekage." said Deidara with much knowledge.

Itachi nodded his head.

"And the only way to determine his age, is by taking a look at his penis." Kisame explained.

"Yeah, no doubt it'll be a shrivled up thing." snickered Deidara.

Itachi sighed.

-

-

"What the heck is this?" Kisame hollered. "I can't see a damn thing!"

Itachi crossed his arms. "He was taking a bubble bath."

"I KNEW IT!" Deidara hissed. "I knew that wussy takes bubble baths. Think he could hide it from me, huh? Think nobody would know about it, huh? Well, guess what, Sasori! I KNOW! YEAH!" Deidara punched a fist in the air.

Kisame backed away. "Deidara, I think it's time for your medication."

"In a few hours, Kisame, in a few hours. Yeah." he responded with a sigh. "You think you know _everything_ about your partner." he muttered to himself.

Itachi gave Kisame a breif look of confusion, and Kisame shrugged.

-

-

**Test Number Two:**

Itachi leaned on a rough barked tree with delicacy. "What's the next test?"

Deidara and Kisame flashed each other scary and irritating grins.

"Test number two." said Kisame. "You see, there is an old, perverted man named Jiraiya. You've probably heard of him. He is known as one of the 'legendary sannin'."

Itachi nodded his head. Who doesn't know such a well acomplished man as Jiraiya-sama.

"He's been watching the Akatsuki and examining our every move for a VERY long time, yeah." said Deidara. "And we want revenge." the look on Deidara's face was dark and frightening. An evil aura surrounded him constantly.

Itachi sighed. Finally something with a little more action and a little less stupidity.

"We want YOU to steal his precious 'Icha Icha Paradise' books from right under his nose!" Kisame laughed evily.

Itachi sighed. This time with disappointment.

"Jiraiya owns a dirty book store somewhere near here. Steal at least TWO dirty novels so Kisame and I could look at them later, yeah." said Deidra.

Itachi frowned. "Fine." he reluctantly removed himself away from the tree and headed towards the dirty book store, owned by the 'famous' Jiraiya.

-

-

Itachi placed his fingers lightly against TWO dirty novels. While Jiraiya was busy taking imaginary picture of pretty girls walking by, he quickly hid TWO dirty novels in his over sized jacket he found laying in the dumpster and attemtped to walk away.

"I hope you're not planning on leaving without paying." the old man smirked slyly, leaning against the counter.

Itachi turned to face Jiraiya with a plain expression. "I was only warming it up." was his excuse. Jiraiya looked closely into his eyes. He was the master in knowing if a person was lying or not. Well, except with this kid. He had no reaction whatsoever!

"Hmm, all right. I believe you." he took the books and scanned them. "That'll be twenty dollars and fifty cents." he replied.

Itachi sighed and forcefully pulled a wallet out of his over sized jacket.

-

-

"This is great! You passed kid!" Kisame and Deidara grabbed TWO dirty novels from out of the brown paper bag that read 'Jiraiya's'.

It took a while for Deidara and Kisame to realize. "Hey, how did you get the brown paper bag?"

Itachi gave no reaction. "I found it laying in the dumpster." he muttered.

Deidara and Kisame shrugged.

"Hey, what's with the receipt, yeah..." Deidara found a white piece of paper almost glued against the book. Itachi inwardly cursed. Guess he didn't get rid of ALL evidence.

"Kid, you do NOT pass!" said Kisame.

It was no use telling these idiots his name was 'Itachi' anymore. So he let it go...for now.

"Go back in there and steal TWO more dirty novels!" ordered Kisame.

-

-

Itachi came stepped into the dirty book store once again. But to his surprise, all though he didn't show it, a bunch of balloons and confetti fell from the ceiling.

"WINNER! WINNER! WE HAVE OUR ONE HUNDREDTH CUSTOMER! CONGRATULATIONS!" Jiraiya spoke into the mike.

Itachi, confused and utterly irritated, merely shoved his hands into his pockets and stood there like a statue.

"You win TWO dirty novels! CONGRATS!" Jiraiya patted him firmly on the back.

-

-

Kisame and Deidara had stars in their eyes.

"How did you manage to get the third and fourth volume of 'Icha Icha Paradise'?" Deidara drooled. "The second volume didn't even come out yet."

Itachi shrugged. "So, do I pass?"

Kisame examined the books carefully. "Wait a minute...," he flipped the books front and back. "YOU WON THESE FOR BEING THE ONE HUNDREDTH CUSTOMER, DIDN'T YOU?" he roared.

Itachi stood there. "What are you, a mind reader?" he snorted.

Deidara pouted. "You did NOT pass the second test!"

Itachi sighed.

-

-

**Third AND final Test:**

Kisame, Deidara, and Itachi somehow managed tosneak into a quiet, well paid restaurant without getting kicked out. They sat near a huge window and smirked.

"All right. This isn't really what you would call, a 'test', but it is somewhat like one." said Kisame.

Deidara smirked. "Yes, in order to join the Akatsuki. You'll have to lose all innocence." he explanation was effortless and breif. Itachi had no idea what he meant by losing all innocence. Itachi was FAR from innocent. He killed his entire clan for gods sake! Wasn't that good enough!

"By all innocence, he means virginity." said Kisame.

Oh...

Itachi, for the first time, was nervous. "I'm only fourteen." he replied.

"Like we care." Deidara rolled his eyes.

Yes, someday Itachi WILL indeed make him eat those words.

"Ok, so here's how the game goes. Three ladies will pass by." explained Kisame. "You have a chance to pick either one. If you pass on all two, then you'll have no choice to lay with the third one, no matter how ugly or repulsive she is." he smirked with pure enjoyment.

Deidara seemed to have the same reaction. "I'll go first!" he volunteered.

A few secondsproceeded and a woman with small breast passed by.

"I'll pass." Deidara wiggled his eyebrows for some odd and un-explainable reason.

Then, a woman with bigger boobs, but notenough booty, passed by.

"Pass." Deidara continued to wiggle his eyebrows.

And then, a woman with HUGE breast, HUGE booty passed by...she was just plain HUGE.

"Uh...I think I'll take the second one." Deidara fidgeted in his seat.

"NO! Unless you want to be labled the 'loser' all of your life!" Kisame nearly snorted with laughter.

"If I sleep with her, then I will be a loser." Deidara gulped.

Kisame and Deidara laughed it out. Itachi still had no idea what was going on.

"All right. It's my turn." said Kisame.

A few seconds passed, and a girl the age of five passed by.

Kisame snorted. "Pass."

A few more seconds passed, and a woman with a billion moles on her face passed by.

"Pass, Pass, Pass." Kisame waved off.

And then, the mother of all mothers walked by. The woman who's lived over a thousand years...GRANNY!

"Did I say pass? I said I'll take her!" Kisame looked after the woman with too many moles.

"Nuh uh! Kisame, do you want to be labled the 'loser' all your life!" Deidara cracked a joke.

Kisame yelled with agony. "What's with all the UGLY woman in this town!" he cursed.

"I guess its my turn?" Itachi replied bluntly.

"Good luck." Kisame and Deidara muttered.

Just then, a fairly cute girl with light brown hair passed by.

"Pass." Itachi mumbled.

Kisame gaped. "You're gonna pass that cutie up? Are you crazy? She could be the cutest girl in this freakin' ugly town." Itachi ignored him. Deidara simply shrugged it off and waited for the next girl to come by.

Then, the hottest chick that ever walked by, JUST WALKED BY!

Kisame and Deidara gaped.

"Pass." said Itachi.

Kisame and Deidara gaped...wider. They were completely bewildered

And just when you thought it couldn't get any hotter, IT JUST DID! The cutest, possibly hottest girl in the world just passed Itachi by.

"I guess I'm stuck with her." Itachi looked fairly disappointed.

Deidara and Kisame's reaction was priceless.

-

-

Itachi stood before the Akatsuki leader and sighed.

And just so you know, he failed the third test. The _hottest girl in the world_ gladly excepted his generous offer, but he turned her down at the last minute. He wanted to do _it _with someone he really loved and cherished with all his heart.

And at that moment, he knew he was going to die a virgin.

"Well, this is a very sad day for you, kid." the leader told him fully and onwardly.

Itachi simply stood there, emotionless and without a care in the world. "I guess." he replied casually.

"You failed all three tests, which by the way, has never happened before in history." Sure, the Akatsuki leader was being dramatic, but it was true. Itachi was the first to fail all three tests, ALL THREE.

"Hey, where's Orochimaru?" Deidara said out of the blue.

"Oh, he's long gone. I caught him stealing my sandwhich." said the leader.

"Okaaaay."

The leader faced Itachi. "And now, you will have to die." he pulled out a sword.

Itachi sighed. "There goes another Uchiha." he muttered, lowering his head for the big blow.

The Akatsuki leader paused. "You're...an Uchiha?" he lowered his sword.

"Yeah, sure."

"Oh," the leader slid his sword silently into his sheath. "Have you mastered the Sharingan?"

"Yeah, sure."

"And the Mangekyo?"

"Yeah, sure."

"Wow, I am officially impressed."

Deidara whispered something in Kisame's ear. "Leader's Pet." he rolled his eyes.

The leader focused his full attention on the Uchiha. "What was your name again?"

"Itachi."

The Akatsuki leader nodded his head. "I like that. Itachi, a good, strong name." he replied.

"I've been saying my name out loud through out the entire chapter and you didn't seem to care." said Itachi.

"Obviously." the leader rolled his eyes. "But I am now. You are in!"

Kisame and Deidara's mouth dropped open.

"You will be partnered up with Kisame-"

"WHAT!" a loud peircing voice rang through the sensitive ears of others.

The Akatsuki leader seemed pleased with himelf. "Here is the 'Akatsuki schedule'," he handed Itachi a simple and thin piece of paper. "On Mondays, we have our checkers tournament. Wednesday's are cotton candy afternoon. And Fridays are movie nights." he explained thoroughly.

Itachi nodded his head in understanding.

"And inbetween days are a time for killing, murder, slaughter, whatever you want to do. Unless I order you to do something, then you do it." he said.

"Yesterday, I killed a whole village all by myself, yeah!" said Deidara.

"By villlage, do you mean three old men, a puppy, and a woman who was about to die anyway?" Kisame muttered under his breath. He was still crabby about being partnered up with a kid.

"...yeah...," Deidara coughed.

The Akatsuki leader spoke, "Oh, yeah. And next Friday, is your turn to pick out the movie." he turned to Itachi. "Just don't pick anything sappy, like 'A Walk To Remember'." he nearly gagged.

Everyone looked at Kisame.

"What?" he shrugged.

Itachi nodded his head. "So, what do you do here exactly?"

"Are you stupid or something? He just explained them to you. Kill, murder, slaughter, and whatever the boss tells us to do." said Kisame.

Itachi glared at the tall man before him. He'll make him eat those words someday.

"Oh," said Itachi. "I thought this was an insitute for mentally stabled people." he honestly replied.

Everyone was silent. There was a frightening pause.

"That was pretty close...," Deidara shrugged.

"Well, kid. I guess you're stuck with me." Kisame finally got over himelf and patted Itachi firmly on the back. "Whatever you do, remember, I am your boss. You listen to whatever I have to say-"

"Mangekyo!" Itachi yelled out.

Kisame instantly dropped to the ground. Not entirely dead, yet dead in the inside...

And that is how Itachi became a member of the Akatsuki. From that day on, Kisame, Deidara, practically everyone who saw Kisame drop dead (almost)on the floor, had respect for Itachi...and called him by his first name.

* * *


	2. Twelve Chaotic Shinobi's

_A/N: _Another weird one-shot

_Disclaimer: _I own Naruto...OH, COME ON! You know that's a joke!

_Summary: _It's good guys versus the bad guys when the baddies wanna cut Naruto's throat open. Who knows what you're dealing with when you're in a room with chaotic shinobis!

_Genre: _Humor

_Casting: _Naruto, Sakura, Sasuke, Sai, Tsunade, Shikamaru, Hinata, Orochimaru, Deidara, Ksiame, Kabuto, and last but not least, ITACHI!

**Twelve Chaotic Shinobi's  
**_By Shanghai Honey_

_--------------------------------------------------------------------------------_

It was another one of those days where Naruto felt helplessly and particularly lousy. The air was thin, and hardly enough to breath in with. He noticed his hands were tied extremely tight to a chair. That, along with his feet. It was highly uncomfortable, and he had no idea what was going on.

His head was currently throbbing in pain and he felt the blood rushing through his head. It was as if he was hit by some sort of big, humongous, fifty-foot bird.

"Come on, Deidara. Was it really necessary to land a fifty-foot bird on the kid's face?" a voice consulted with another.

"Yeah." the voice replied.

Ironic.

Naruto slowly opened his eyes only to find himself tied to a chair, sitting in a small, dark room, filled with exactly eleven people. Odd. He seemed to know a few of them.

"Geez, a guy gets trampled by a bird and he's out for ten hours." Sai rolled his eyes arrogantly.

Confounded and fearing for the worst, he struggled in his seat. "What's going on?"

Looking around the table, he found Sakura, Sasuke, Sai, Hinata, and Shikamaru on his right side. Orochimaru, Kabuto, Itachi, Deidara, and Kisame on his left. Therefore, in the middle, sat Tsunade.

"Why am I tied up?"

"Be grateful, kid. It was either that, or hang you by the toes over a flaming, hot, boiling mound of lava." Kisame spoke.

Naruto gulped.

"April fool's day!" he laughed.

"Don't worry, Naruto. We won't let the bad guys win." Sakura smiled reassuringly.

Naruto had no idea what she meant by that, but he felt that heavy chip on his shoulder lifted away for good. So regardless of the S-class Shinobi's, some of the most powerful, evil on the planet, he felt great.

"Unless we do, then you'll die." said Itachi.

Naruto suddenly felt really bad.

"Naruto, you're probably wondering why you are here." said Tsunade.

"Hell yeah!" Naruto replied rudely.

"You see, the bad guys, on your left, want you dead or for some stupid reason." she said. "And I personally have nothing against that." Somehow, he knew it was like that. "But seeing as how people actually care for you, I have no choice but to set you into court."

"This looks nothing like court-"

"Well, its close enough!"

Enough was said, and the protesting began.

Orochimaru began his protest. "March 11th. Fifth day of the week. It was cold and the winds were highly abusive. It was a perfect day for murder. But HE!" reffering to Naruto. "Ruined everything when he warned everyone of my presence, causing everyone in chaos! I didn't even get to kill-"

Orochimaru was interrupted by Tsunade's quick tongue. "You do realize you're helping the good guys win the case."

Orochimaru paused. He stared at his temperary comrads, and all nodded their heads. "Oh." he muttered softly. "Let me start over." he coughed nervously.

Naruto let out a relieved breath knowing Orochimaru had nothing on him.

"About two months ago, he killed fifty of my best men-"

"What!" Naruto pannicked.

"Fifty of my best men in combat were dead. I was in pain for days."

"What do you care? You practically killed a thousand of your own in your day!"

"I was young-"

"What? Sixty?"

"And idiotic."

"You got that right!" Naruto scoffed. "Weren't you the one who starved, scourged, and gulged some little girl's eyes out two or three days ago?"

Orochimaru glowered down at him. "How could you possibly know that?" he said. "And besides, even if I did starve, scourge and gulged some girl's eyes out, I didn't kill her."

"All right, all right." Tsunade broke up the fight. "Enough arguing. Orochimaru, you made your point, and honestly, it sucked. So one point for the good guys!"

"Yes!" Naruto exclaimed joyously.

Orochimaru, knowing her process was inevitable, sat down and sulked in his chair.

"Its your turn to speak, Sai."

"Ok." Sai rose in his position and cleared his throat. "He's an ok guy." and with that thorough response, he sat down.

Tsunade sighed. "One point goes to the bad guys for Sai's lame protest."

"You never liked me." Naruto hissed in Sai's face.

The bad guys did a hi-five.

"Nice going." Sakura sneered at the supposedly innocent Sai. "Who's side are you on?"

"I guess his." Sai said pointing at the blond boy who was currently picking at his scab.

"Ok, who wants to go next."

Deidara looked around the room. No one seemed to want to go next, so he raised his hand shyly.

"Go ahead." said Tsunade.

Just when Deidara was about to make a statement, Itachi piped in.

"Whoa, whoa." he said, noticing the awkward glare Sasuke was giving him. "Why does birdie always get to go first? I mean, I'm practically the leader of EVERYONE, I should go first-"

"Well then you should have spoke up. And his name is Deidara."

Itachi gaped. "Wait a minute, wait a minute. Deidara is a guy?" Deidara threw Itachi a cold glare. This was big news for Itachi.

"So not the point!" Naruto piped in.

"Shall we continue?" Tsunade's vain looked like it was about time to explode.

Itachi muttered something about confusing genders and sat in his seat.

"Anyways," Deidara spoke. "I'd like to bring a witness into the room, if it's ok with you, yeah?"

Tsunade nodded her head in approval.

Deidara whistled a lovely tune that Mary Poppins would most likely whistle, and a bird flew in. "This is my favorite pet bird, Taku." he stated.

"Aw." everyone (except Naruto) replied.

"And he was murdered." a single tear formed in his eye.

Everyone looked confused.

"Uh, don't mean to burst your bubble, but that bird is far from dead." Shikamaru observed the bird trying to mate with another one.

"Of course he's dead!" Kisame said, and not because he wanted to win this case...

"Its a clay model." Replied Deidara. "I make a living creating clay birds and making them kill everyone. But Taku was real. And he always hung by my side when I finished exterminating a village."

Hinata sniffed. "T-That's so sad."

"And now he's dead." Deidara whimpered. "And its all because of HIM!" he pointed an acusing finger at Naruto.

"I never!" he cried.

Tsunade's eyes flowed with tears. "Naruto, you heartless bastard." she blubbered.

"What the-"

"I never would've thought he'd do something so sickening and evil like that." Sasuke nodded his head.

"Who's side are you on?"

"Point two for the bad guys." cried Tsunade.

"Yeah!" they did the wave.

Tsunade dried her tears and moved along. "Hinata, it is your turn to vocalize."

Hinata nodded her head. "I-"

"Wait a sec!" Itachi butted in again.

Everyone groaned.

"I just want to say, the only reason this girl is here is because she has a humongous love affair with fox boy! And I don't think she should have a say in this." he stated.

Tsunade thought about this. Hinata shook in her boots. And for the first time in life, the bad guys prayed to the gods.

"You're absolutely right."

Hinata glared at Itachi and pointed at him. "You, me, parking lot, seven o'clock."

"Ooooo," everyone in court uttered.

Itachi pretended not to look nervous.

"Point goes to the bad guys." said Tsunade. "All right, Kisame. You're next."

Kisame unrolled a scroll almost in the twenty foot range, and slipped on his reading glasses. "Two years ago, I planted an entire garden within a one year period. There were roses, tulips, watermelon-"

"By the way, I ate one." Itachi voiced in.

"What the-IT WAS YOU!" Kisame's eyes bulged out. "All this time I was blaming it on Sasori!"

"So?" Itachi shrugged.

"He's dead now!"

"Moving on." Tsunad growled

Kisame muttered. "As I was just about finished planting my coconut seeds, I heard someone come in from the back door. There was a glare and I couldn't really see, but I know for a fact that it was him who burnt m garden to a crisp!" he pointed at Naruto.

Naruto shrugged.

"You're only assuming it was Naruto." said Sakura. "It could've been anyone!"

Kisame stuck out his tongue.

"Therefore, the good guys recieve a point." said Tsunade.

"YEAH!" they busted a move.

Kisame growled. "This just isn't fair! I worked so hard on my lovely garden-"

Tsunade waved him off. "And now it is Sakura's turn."

Sakura smirked with gratitude. "Thank you." she said. "I would just like to say, that Naruto is a really good person and he doesn't deserve to be murdered by a bunch of evil wannabe's."

"Oh, come on!" the guys on Naruto's left spat at her.

"You do remember the time Naruto saved Sasuke from the evil clutches of Orochimaru?" Tsunade shook her head in remembrance. "And the time Naruto helped Shikamaru get on his feet when both his legs were broken?"

Shikamaru winced in pain, he could still feel it.

"And the time he relieved Sai from the pressure of the ways of a shinobi." Sai sighed and nodded his head honestly. "And the time he aided Hinata...er...," she scratched her head. "And the time he snapped me out of my shallow ways and made me realize how much I actually care for him."

Sasuke glanced at both Naruto and Sakura. A very awkward moment took place.

"Oh, sure." Itachi rolled his eyes. "But what has he ever done for me?"

"Or me!" shouted Kabuto.

"Or me!" Deidara shrieked.

"You nerds don't count." Sakura scoffed.

Tsunade patted her precious student on her head. "Good girl. Point for the good guys." she announced.

"That's just favoritism." Orochimaru muttered.

"Kabuto, its your turn."

Kabuto folded his hands together, making it seem he was a genius. "Now, you may be wondering why I look really radiant or something."

"Or something." muttered Sasuke.

"It is because I an normal. Therefore, Naruto is not!" he made his speech clearly stated. "You see, ever since day one, Naruto's been an odd ball. Born with a demon in him, grew whiskers out of his cheeks, and somehow, was able to form a tiny mole on the right side of his testicles."

Naruto gaped. "How did you know that!"

Kabuto cleared his throat. "Anyhow, because Naruto is highly unusual, I think its best if you hand him over to Orochimaru, the great."

"Unusual? You shouldn't be talking, Kabuto. Your left butt cheek is bigger than the other." Sakura replied.

Kabuto paused. He looked down at his bottom and glowered. "Curse you." he hissed.

"That's enough. Kabuto, your protest was absolutely pointless. Point goes to the good guys."

"Heehee." Naruto chuckled.

Tsunade turned to the 'good' side of the table. "Shikamaru, it is your turn-" She watched the boy snore in his deep, deep sleep. It was utterly annoying. "Shikamaru...," she growled.

Nara still seemed to be in a deep sleep. Tsunade was annoyed to the point where she couldn't stand it anymore.

"Oh, that's it!" she turned to the bad guys. "Another point for you."

"WHAT!" the good guys exclaimed.

"That's not fair Tsunade!" Naruto kicked his feet against the chair. "He didn't even say anything!"

"Exactly." Tsunade mumbled.

"But-"

Naruto was cut off. "Oh, shut up, fox boy. This has nothing to do with you." said Kisame.

"This has EVERYTHING to do with me!"

Who knows how long Shikamaru's been asleep. Everyone on Naruto's right glared down on the idiot. "Damn you." the thoughts were mutual.

"Moving on. Who's next?"

Itachi raised his hand high.

"Is there anyone else?" Tsunade muttered desperately.

Itachi raised it higher.

"Fine." she sighed in defeat. "Itachi?"

Itachi stood his ground with pride and cleared his throat. "You see, Tsunade. I have known Naruto ever since he was born. He's done some nasty pranks, but one of his most successfuls went a little too far." he said.

Sasuke covered his eyes. He knew very well what the up coming event was.

"Everyone...," he plopped himself on the big rectangular table. "I'll show you...," and with that, he pulled down his pants. "THIS!"

"AH!" everyone wanted desperately to make a desperate run for it.

"Put it away, put it away!" ordered Tsunade.

Itachi pulled his pants back up. "That is the scar I recieved when Naruto decided it would be funny to try to lit my pants on fire."

Naruto laughed nervously. Trying to get out of this situation was inevitable.

"You heartless bastard." Tsunade hissed.

"I was young!"

"What? Six?" Orochimaru teased.

"Yeah." he replied

Orochimaru paused. "Oh."

"Point goes to Itachi and his gang of evil guys." Tsunade declared. "Who's next?"

Sasuke raised his hand.

"Anyone else-"

"I'm the only one left!" he exclaimed.

"Fine." she mumbled.

Sasuke lifted his head up. "Naruto." he sighed. "Is." he struggled to say. "My best friend."

Naruto simply blinked.

"Phew, glad I got that out of my system." he sat back down.

Tsunade wiped a tear from her face. "That was beautiful." she sniffed.

"What the-" Itachi was cut off.

"Point for the good guys."

"Oh, come on!" the bad guys threw their arms in the air. "What kind of statement was that?"

Sai quirked an eyebrow. "For the first time in my life, I agree with them."

Sasuke glared at him. "You never liked me."

Tsunade spoke, "It took a lot of courage for Sasuke to say something so heartfelt and glorious like that. It was too beautiful. Therefore, Sasuke gets a point."

"Is everything around here based on favoritism!" Orochimaru exclaimed.

Tsunade, along with everyone else, ignored him. "Ok, and the winner of the debate is...,"

Everyone leaned in, anxious to hear her reply.

"It's a tie!" she announced.

"Damn it!" they all shouted.

"Well, I guess the only thing to do is-," Tsunade said.

Just when Tsunade was about to declare a war of rock, paper, scissors, something crashed into the ceiling and fell directly on Naruto's sensitive skull.

"Kakashi!" they all exclaimed in shock and surprise.

"Yo." he scratched his head nervously and forced himself up.

The bad guys looked down to where he landed and noticed Naruto wasn't moving.

"I think he's dead, yeah?" said Deidara.

"Really? Is he?" they all thought.

"Er...sorry." Kakashi shrugged.

Tsunade pressed her finger against the pressure point and sighed. "He's gone."

"NO!" the good guys fell to their knees and cursed. Everyone glared at Kakashi.

"It was an accident!" he said in defense. "How was I supposed to know spying led to death!"

The bad guys shrugged and went their serperate ways. "Mission acomplished." they chuckled and was planning on having a big party afterwards.

Tsunade waited anxiously until they were out of the hearing range and chuckled.

"What's so funny? He's freaking dead!" Sakura cursed.

Tsunade's chuckle grew worse. "April fool's day!" she shrieked.

**The End**

_------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------_

_A/N: To those of you who are currently reading the other fic A GAME OF GO FISH, sorry for the wait. I'm still out of ideas, and the ideas I have now are stored for my future fics. I can honestly say, I'm sorry. Hope you enjoyed this short one-shot._


	3. Konoha's Dance Marathon

_A/N: _Another one-shot (no, duh) from your's truly, Shanghai Honey. WHOOO! People, do the wave!

_Disclaimer: _I never liked apples.

_Summary: _The newest upcoming event in Konoha is their famous dance marathon! Struggling to find dates and what not, it all ends up well...or does it? I only have two words for you: KILL TSUNADE!

_Genre: _Humor

_Casting: _Sakura, Sasuke, Naruto, Neji, Lee, Tenten, Shikamaru, Chouji, Ino, Kiba, Shino, Hinata, Tsunade, and last but not least, GAARA!

**Konoha's Dance Marathon  
**_By Shanghai Honey_

_---------------------------------------------------------------------------------_

Sitting in a cafe, Naruto and the gang sat around a table and discussed the upcoming event happening in Konoha.

"Hey, did you hear?"

"You mean when Chouji's pants tore apart while bending down? Yeah, I heard it."

A disturbed look obviously took place on Ino's face the instant the words 'tore', 'pants' and 'Chouji' stuck to her mind. "No, I meant the dance marathon."

Sakura sighed recklessly and shrugged. "Tsunade does this every year. Why are you so excited?"

"Of all people-" Neji began, but was cut off by Sakura's quick tongue.

"I'm not competing against you, Neji." Sakura's fist shook with rage,

Sasuke's puzzled look caught everyone's attention. "Since when did Konoha have a dance marathon?"

The guys casted a dirty look towards the raven headed man with full consideration. "Ever since Tsunade's been named Hokage-" Sakura was rudely interrupted.

"And ever since you betrayed us and left for Orochimaru-" Kiba, in return, was rudely interrupted.

"We've had a dance marathon every year to raise money for charity or-"

"Tsunade's bills." everyone rolled their eyes.

They all watched as Sakura threw Neji dirty looks.

"I still don't get the arguement between you two." he said looking back and forth between Sakura's sexy pout and Neji's arrogant grin.

"I don't want to talk about it." Sakura told him, gritting her shiny, white pearls.

Neji gladly spoke up. "Every year, the last person standing at the twenty-four hour dance marathon wins and recieves a trophy at the end. And every year, Sakura and I compete for the gold."

"Yeah, guess who wins EVERY year." said Tenten.

Sasuke frowned with bordom. "Obviously, I know the answer to that one."

"Every year." Sakura's eyes burned with fury.

"So what? It's just a trophy. There's nothing special about it." said Sasuke.

"True, but this year, the Hokage's giving out a mystery surprise." Kiba anounced.

Sakura's ears perked up.

"For all we know, it could be a piece of candy."

Neji snorted. "Yeah, right."

Sakura's eyes burned with passion.

Changing the subject for everyone's safety, Naruto showed up in time with a box full of T-shirts. "Hey, guys!" he held a box securely in his arms. "I'm selling T-shirts."

Everyone around the table groaned.

"Please tell me you're not selling your laundry again, Naruto." Sakura's mere purpose in life was to make a run for it.

Naruto shook his head frantically. "Nope. I'm printing out daily t-shirts with topical headlines of something I witnessed around town." he said with a little ounce of pride.

"Really, like what?" Tenten asked with curiousity.

Naruto grinned and held up a t-shirt as an example.

Everyone stared at it blankly.

"Hmm...'Gai picked his nose!'...interesting." said Sakura. "You actually witnessed that?"

Naruto nodded his head sluggishly. "In the name of youth."

That boy never ceased to amuse the crowd.

-----

"That's right! Type out 'Naruto's a stinkin' Liar' in big bold letters!"

"I'm pretending to type as we speak." Neji yawned.

Hot tears literally fell out of Gai's eyes. "What he did was unexceptable and wrong! He shall be punished and you, my youthfull companion, will help me!" he said. "Now type it out!

Gai patted the Hyuuga prodigy firmly on his cold shoulder. "You know. You didn't have to do this for me, I could've done this by myself-"

"What are you talking about? Black mailing me into doing this and pretending you don't need me now isn't working." Neji growled.

Gai shrugged, holding a picture of Neji sucking his thumb.

"I would've asked Lee, but come on? The kid doesn't even know how to use a calculator."

Neji exhaled with pure frustration.

-----

"He's SO cute!" girls crowded around the new born baby and took a good look of those chubby, adorable cheeks.

Tenten rolled her eyes.

"I don't know. He looks a little odd." she said.

Everyone rolled their eyes.

"You're just sour because you're not the only child anymore." said Sakura. "Hewo wittle baby." her voice changed dramatically into baby talk. "Aunt Sakuwa is here to pway. Peek-a-boo! Peek-a-boo!"

Little drops of tears swelled up in the baby's eye.

"Sakura, you're scaring him." Ino shoved her away. "Hi, there. Hi, there." she played with his toes. "Do you want your bowtle? Do you want your bowtle?"

Soon enough, the baby cried a river.

"He's not indicating that he wants a bottle." said Shikamaru.

"Sour puss." Ino teased. "By the way, the little guy said his first word!"

Sakura gasped. "Who? Shikamaru?"

"You're a comedian, Sakura. Seriously, you're THAT funny." he crossed his arms and went into snoozeland.

"S-So what was his first word?" Hinata asked sencerely.

"O-cha-boo-boo!" Ino squealed.

"Aw...," the girls sighed.

"Oh, suck it up." Tenten muttered. "Please, lets change the subject." she begged.

"All right." Ino spoke. "Anyone found a dance partner yet?"

Hinata blushed. "I-I think I found mine."

Everyone looked at her.

"Don't tell me its-"

"Naruto-kun!" Hinata's blush reddened, forcing herself to stay on ground.

"NO!" Sakura gasped. "You actually asked him?"

Hinata shook her head solomnly. "Not exactly. He asked me."

"Well, what happened?"

Hinata told her story:

-

_"Hey, Hinata!" Naruto ran his way up to meet with Hinata._

_"N-Naruto!" Hinata nearly fainted._

_"Wanna go to the dance marathon with me?"_

_"Y-Yes!" she answered a little too quickly..._

_and fainted._

_-_

Hinata sighed.

"And that's what happened." They all looked at her oddly. "What about you, Ino?"

Ino's facially expressions softened. "Well, it all started when all the guys in town, including Sasuke, lined up to ask me to the dance-"

"Real story, Ino." Sakura rolled her eyes.

"Fine."

-

_Shikamaru, with his manly pout and hunky posture, snorted._

_"I wouldn't go to the dance with you even if you begged."_

_"YOU BETTER!" Ino waved a fist in the air._

_"Not even if you begged."_

_"YOU BETTER!"_

_"I don't even know how long I'll be able to stand. I'm not a good dancer."_

_"Does it look like I care!"_

_"I don't have an outfit."_

_"Wear your pajamas if you have to!"_

_"I don't even like town events."_

_"SO WHAT!"_

_"But on the other hand, I won't have to babysit that troublesome Konohamaru."_

_"Make your decision quick!"_

_"Fine, I'll go."_

_"HURRY and make your desicion!"_

_"I said I'll go."_

_"Say yes or no. I DON'T CARE!"_

_"Dammit, woman. I said I'll go!"_

_-_

Ino sighed and batted her eyelashes.

"Romantic."

Weird looks were plastered on everyone's faces. "Yeah, sure." they muttered.

"Tenten, we already know Neji's your dance partner. You're unbeatable-"

"Except this year!" Sakura shouted for the whole world to hear.

"I thought you said you weren't competing."

"Obviously, I changed my mind."

"Well, then...who are you going with?"

Sakura's face twisted into an horrific grin.

-

_After everyone left the cafe, it was only Sakura, Sasuke, and Sakura's ambition._

_"Hey, what do you think of that guy!" Sakura asked, pointing at some stranger walking pass the cafe._

_Sasuke graoned. "What do I care?"_

_"Help me out, Sasuke. I have to find a partner who will be fitting to my every need. Perfectly detailed, tall, tons of stamina, nice strong arms and-HOW TALL IS THAT GUY!" she pointed at another guy walking by._

_Sasuke turned his head. "MRS. Nara is 6'5"."_

_"Everyone hates me." she sighed._

_As Sakura continued to do some partner looking, Sasuke became tired and annoyed by her! Had she once ever thought of HIM as her dance partner?_

_"Here's a crazy idea." he gulped. "Why don't you go with me?"_

_Sakura's eyebrow quirked. "I didn't know I had a choice."_

_"A choice?"_

_"Yeah. If I asked, I assumed you'd just say 'no' or 'no way'."_

_"You don't know how wrong you are." Sasuke muttered, for his ears only. "I'd probably say yes" _

_Sakura smirked. "Probably?"_

_"Probably."_

_"So If I asked right now-"_

_"I'd say 'I'll pick you up at five'"_

-

"And that is what happened."

Ino's mouth dropped wide open.

"I don't believe it." she gasped. "Sasuke would never-"

"He did."

"That's impossible! I asked him out millions of times and he still said no!" Ino pouted.

At that glorious moment, Sakura felt a breeze of pride coming her way. It felt great.

-

The Konoha dancers stepped proudly onto the dance floor of the gymnasium and held their partner's hand. The feeling was insolent and the trophy was freaking huge!

Everyone turned to look at the trophy.

"Hey, where's freakin' huge trophy!" some guy in the crowd yelled.

"Yeah!" they all complained.

Tsunade tapped on the microphone and spoke. "Uh, sorry folks. There is no trophy." everyone one 'booed' her. "I couldn't afford one, okay!" she screeched. "Instead, we have a mystery prize! And it's gonna be awesome!"

Tsunade turned to look at her right hand girl, Shizune. And Shizune shook her head with shame. Tsunade cleared her throat and began her opening.

"Oh, great." Sakura sighed.

"What?" Sasuke had to ask.

"Its Tsunade's opening. This happens every year. We hear her talk for about three thousand hours before the marathon starts-"

"Three hours?" Kiba groaned. "More like FIVE thousand!" he threw his paws in the air.

Neji cringed. "What the hell are you doing here?"

"Uh." Kiba shrugged.

"You don't even have a partner." Tenten looked at him pathetically.

"Shut up, okay! Just shut up!" he ran away.

Sasuke sighed and continued to watch Tsunade lecture for HOURS.

And after about one hour...

"Geez," Shikamaru yawned. "How long do you think this will last?"

Shino said, "I'd say three hours more."

"In the battle of Iwagakure, lives were taken from us. Lives of our family, friends and more." said Tsunade as everyone else mouthed out what she was saying. It was the same every year, and everyone groaned. "My leg was nearly torn off by a third class shinobi...," she twitched.

Everyone pressed their hands to their ears, knowing what was coming next.

"DID YOU HEAR ME!" she screeched. "A THIRD CLASS SHINOBI! I MEAN, I WAS A FREAKIN' SANNIN!"

Sasuke shook his head. "Tsunade suffered so much."

Everyone threw him an odd look along with a highly concerned one.

"And now we all have to suffer along with her."

That sounds about right.

-

Just when the dance marathon was about to start, Naruto made the biggest entry ever in Konoha history!

Walking into the gym with Hinata by his side, he smirked with two huge fangs coming out of his mouth. He wore a black cape, slick grease on his blond hair, and his skin was as pale as ever.

"Who let Dracula in?" Sasuke muttered.

Naruto noticed the stares he was recieving. "What? Do I look that awesome?"

"What the hell are you wearing?" Sakura gasped, with both shock and humility.

"You told me to wear something comfortable!" he panicked, realizing people were staring at him because he looked weird.

"You feel comfortable in a halloween costume?" she asked.

Naruto watched people continue to stare at him oddly.

"Not at this moment."

-

Every contestant in Konoha danced to the rhythm of the music. Lights were everywhere and the dance floor was already half empty. It was hour six, and people were as energetic as ever.

Naruto swept the dance floor, and busted a move! Shikamaru fell asleep on Ino's shoulder, which wasn't as bad as she thought. Shino, Kiba, Chouji and basically all the others with no date, watched pathetically on the bleachers wishing they had a date. Sasuke and Sakura were still in motion, and Neji wouldn't stop flipping Tenten.

"Would you relax, Neji. This is a dance marathon, not a flipping contest!" Sakura shouted, dancing along with Sasuke.

"Says the loser." Neji waltz away, flipping Tenten along.

Sakura growled and snapped her head forwards.

"Flip me." she demanded.

Sasuke cringed. "What?"

"Flip me!"

"No." at this point, he wanted to get away from her.

"FLIP ME!"

"No!"

"Fine." Sakura sighed with defeat. "I'll flip you!" she grabbed a hold of Sasuke.

"Let it go!" Sasuke tried running away from her.

-

The ten minute break started and the contestants took either a snack break or a coffee break to stimulate themselves.

"Hi, Kiba." Hinata smiled sweetly towards her favorite comrad.

"Hey, Hina." Kiba smirked. Once he saw Naruto coming near, his smirk switched to a furious growl.

Naruto grinned. "Hey, dog man." he waved.

"So, Hinata...," Kiba ignored the blond boy. "Do you want to go out for dinner after the marathon? I know this great sushi restaurant." he smiled.

Hinata squinted. "I'm not too much of a sushi fan." she silently shook her head.

"Oh, well how about Italian?" Naruto shook his head, watching Kiba and his pathetic attempt to ask Hinata out. "You can never go wrong with Italian food. I mean, come on? Tell me, who doesn't like Italian?" he laughed.

"Me." Sakura interrupted.

"And me." Naruto chirped in.

"Good to know." Kiba muttered and quickly changed to subject. "So, I hear there's a sewing festival coming soon-"

Naruto literally spit out his drink.

Shino stared in disgust.

"S-Sewing festival?" he held in a laugh.

"Hinata happens to like that." Kiba growled.

Naruto crossed his arms. "Suck up." he mumbled under his breath.

"Boys, come on. This is a dance marathon. There's no time for jealous bickering. Now shut up and lets bust a move!" Sasuke cringed at Sakura's enthusiasm.

"Except theres one problem. Kiba doesn't have a date so its really not possible for him to-"

"Will you stop saying the word 'date'!" Kiba pressed his hands against his ears. Sasuke shrugged.

"Let's move. The dance is about to-" Sakura pulled Sasuke along with her, but crashed into Shino. "Oh! Wow, Shino. I didn't know you were there." she panicked.

Shino's face was completely blank. "If I had a penny for everytime I heard that one-"

"You'd probably be able to afford a date." said Sasuke.

"Sasuke." Sakura nudged him powerfully against his shoulder. He would've cried from the pain, but he knew it wouldn't be manly. Especially in front of Sakura.

-

It was hour sixteen. More than half the people who were in the gym, were gone. Naruto continued to dance around like a crazy man, while Hinata suffered and tried to keep up. Sasuke and Sakura were barely keeping up. Neji and Tenten were just plain showing off. Shikamaru and Ino left, who honestly knows when? And Tsunade was as drunk as ever.

Neji and Tenten continued to flip, ticking Sakura off, and annoying Sasuke to death.

"Will you two quit it!"

"Make me." Neji smirked.

And once again, they waltz away.

"Why won't you flip me?" Sakura whimpered, and leaned on Sasuke's shoulder.

"I don't do flips. It's embarassing and a little gay." he mumbled.

-

Another break occured and everyone rushed like wild animals to the snack bar.

Kiba pranced around the bar and picked up a couple of cheese balls. "Mmm."

"Snacks are for dancers only." Naruto flicked his cheese ball aside.

Kiba casted an irritated look. "I'm dancing on the inside." he said, muttering.

"Leave him alone, Naruto. He doesn't have a date." said Tenten.

"Why don't you all just stick a knife through my head!" Kiba went into a craze.

Naruto shook his head. "No, a knife won't do."

"Yes, you'll need a chainsaw for something as thick as that-" Neji was interrupted by Tenten's voice.

"Will you two quit it! HE DOESN'T HAVE A DATE!" shouted Tenten.

"Tell the whole world, why don't ya!" Kiba stomped out of the room.

-

Chouji looked around the gym. It was practically empty. The one's who were too tired to dance or just gave up, sat on the bleachers with the pathetic ones who couldn't get dates.

The only ones standing was Naruto, Hinata, Sasuke, Sakura, Neji and Tenten. Then he looked to his side.

"What are you doing here?" he asked.

Gaara sat in solitude. "I had nothing better to do." he muttered.

Chouji quirked an eyebrow. "You have nothing better to do than to sit around in a gymnasium all day, staring at a dance marathon?"

"I don't know. Do YOU have nothing better to do than sit around in a gymnasium all day, staring at a dance marathon?" was his quick come back.

"...,"

"Could it be that you don't even have a date-"

"I had a date, okay." Chouji huffed. "She just...," he stalled. "couldn't make it."

Gaara casted a one second glance towards him. "Its pretty pathetic that your imaginary girlfriend stood you up-"

Chouji just about had enough of this verbal abuse. "You don't even live here, let alone care about this place. Why are you here?"

Gaara shrugged. "Like I said, I had nothing better to do than to sit around in a gymnasium all day, staring at a dance marathon."

Chouji decided it'll be easier just to ignore him.

-

Sakura tapped her foot against the dance floor. "If he doesn't get here in two mintues, we're out of the marathon." she panicked.

Turns out, Sakura, Neji, and their dates were the only ones left on the dance floor. Naruto was food poisoned an hour ago, by who knows who? We could only guess.

Sitting in the middle of the bleachers, Kiba laughed evily.

Every year...

"If he doesn't make it in a minute, you loose the mystery prize." Neji would've laughed then and there.

Sakura smirked. "Sasuke will make it. I have no idea where he is, but he won't let me down."

One minute later:

"I'll kill him!" Sakura went down on her knees and cried out for the whole world to hear her.

Neji and Tenten walked up the stage where Tsunade held a box draped in a little black cloth. "The winners, Neji and Tenten!" she held their hands up.

Everyone cheered.

Sasuke ran into the gym and panted. "Am I late?"

"You bet you are!" Sakura ringed his neck.

"And the prize!" Tsunade demanded a drum roll. "Is...,"

Neji and Tenten's eyes blazed a passionate fire.

And Tsunade lifted the black cloth.

"Er...a piece of...candy...," she laughed nervously.

The whole gym full of angry people gaped at her.

"I knew it." said Sasuke, not surprised at all.

"Give me a break! Konoha is currently low on budget and I had to pay my sake bills!" she said in defense.

Everyone stood on their feet, ready to kill Tsunade.

-

"I HAD TO PAY MY BILLS!" she ran as everyone in Konoha chased her through the streets. Especially Neji and Tenten.

Sakura stood there, with the look of shock. "I can't believe it." she whispered.

"Yeah." Sasuke shrugged. "Sorry you didn't win, I know you wanted this-"

"No, I'm glad I didn't win." retorted Sakura. "But where were you?" she asked.

Sasuke thought about it with much consideration. "I was using the bathroom."

"For thirty minutes?"

"Hey, I had food poisoning too." he rubbed his stomach. "Except I didn't wuss out and drop out of the compitition." he thought about Naruto.

Sakura sighed. "Are you still feeling sick?"

"Yeah." Sasuke felt himself wanting to throw up.

The pink haired lady walked up to the green faced boy. "Come on." she held onto his shoulder. "I'll take care of you."

Sasuke smiled for the first time. "Is it ok if we can kill Tsunade afterwards?" he asked.

"Of course." Sakura's eyes burned with fury.

**The End**


	4. Choose Your Lover!

_A/N:_ Hey, those of you who are reading my story! This isn't actually mine, it's a remake. Although, it isn't exactly like the original, I changed a lot of things.So don't think it's mine, cause it's actually not. Just wanted to clear things up. So basically, the plot is still the same.And also, all credit goes to Super Ceech, the original author for this awesome fic!

_Disclaimer: _I don't own Naruto, I don't own Inuyasha, I don't even own Sailor Moon, but I do own one thing...well, even I don't know yet!

_Summary:_ Sakura and Hinata are love strucked women forcing Naruto to choose between them. Bad guys and good guys alike try to help a guy out. But what do they get out of this?

_Genre: _Humor

_Casting: _Naruto, Sakura, Hinata, Neji, Sasuke, Lee, Konohamaru, Itachi,Orochimaru, Kabuto, Kisame, Ino, Haku, Kakashi, and last but not least, ALL OF KONOHA!

**Choose Your Lover!  
**_By Shanghai Honey_

_----------------------------------------------------------------------------_

Naruto paced himself around the fields. It was a day full of green grass and blue skies. It looked as if everything and everyone was in a good mood. But it was the exact opposite. 

Hinata stood by his left.

Sakura stood by his right.

"So, are you going to choose or what?" asked Sakura holding her kunai in a tight, firm grip. (Who really knows why)

"N-Naruto-kun." Hinata whispered in her shy, usual voice. She wore a big t-shirt with Naruto's huge head printed in the front.

Naruto's face paled. There were many pros and cons to this list, but he just couldn't seem to think. Ok, going nice and slow. Pro Hinata: If he chose Hinata, there's a chance she'll do anything he says, that includes paying for his ramen bill. Con Hinata: She's way too obssesive. I mean what's with the T-shirt? It was bad enough that the picture she took was of him sneezing, but did she really have to print it on a shirt where everyone can see it?

Then he thought about Sakura. Pro Sakura: She's pretty, smart, and has finally gotten over her obsession with Sasuke. He can do a lot of good with Sakura. Getting free ramen, free samples of new flavored ramen, free instant ramen, he could do a lot! All she has to do is flash her humongous boobs at people and he'll get anything! Con Sakura: Although if he doesn't choose her, there's an eighty percent chance he'll die before ever becoming Hokage.

He just couldn't risk that.

"Okay, I choose Saku-"

"B-But I love you!" Hinata perked up andpractically threw herself on Naruto, giving him the puppy eyes he always fell for.

Naruto's facial expressions softened. "Oh, okay then. I choose Hina-"

"But I love you too!" Sakura reminded him, tossing the old kunai aside and pulling out an even biggerone, stabbing a poor helpless tree.

Naruto gulped with fear. "Yeah, but-"

"I.SAID.I.LOVE.YOU!" she screeched and continued to frantically stab that poor tree to no end.

This whole thing was driving the blond man nuts. So he finally stopped thinking and began to talk. "Wait a minute! Wait a minute!" he drove the two girls to silence. "I was doing just fine when I was eating a healthy, yes I said HEALTHY, bowl of ramen. And suddenly, I get pulled away by you crazy broads-"

Sakura and Hinata threw him a dirty look.

"Er...beautiful women...?" he chose his words carefully.

"Fine," said Sakura as she slowly put her kunai away. "Go ahead and eat. I'll give you all the time you want." she told him.

Naruto raised an eyebrow. She's definitely getting a point for that.

Naruto nodded his head and sat quietly. "Thank you." he pulled out his bowl of ramen and began to eat.

A few seconds passed and unfortunately, he was interrupted again.

"Ok, that's enough, now who do you choose!" Sakura retorted.

"But I just started-"

"I don't care." she said in a deadly hiss.

Naruto gulped. She's definitely getting a point deducted with that attitude.

"I...just can't choose right now." he honestly replied.

"I can help you with that." a voice from behind suddenly spoke. Out into the shadows appeared Neji! Hinata's cousin, full of vengeance.

Naruto tapped his foot on the ground. "Well? Come on! I have two girls who are about to skin me to death!" he hid cowardly behind a tree.

"Its obvious you should choose Hinata." he said.

Hinata turned to face her seemingly evil, yet pretty cute cousin. "Neji-nii-san, I always thought you hated me."

"Duh. The only reason I want you to date Naruto is so you can finally get out of my face." he scoffed.

"But I'm never in your face." she replied.

Neji paused.

The green hills were quiet. "I just hate you, okay?"

"Well I think Sakura should be with Naruto!" Ino's voice echoed through everyone's sensitive ears. "Naruto, remember that free ramen? REMEMBER!" she shouted furiously.

"Yeah, yeah. Just stop yelling!" Naruto covered his ears, along with everyone else.

"Naruto you idiot. If you had a brain, you'd go with Hinata. She's much nicer and...er...she has a lot to offer." Sasuke appeared, hiding himself behind Neji to avoid Ino's obsessive ways.

Neji moved away, causing Ino to jump him.

"Damn you." Sasuke hissed. Neji shrugged.

"Really?" asked Naruto. "What does she have to offer?"

Sasuke really thought hard about this, but honestly? He had nothing. "She just has a lot, okay?" Besides, Sasuke's crush on Sakura developed through the years and he really didn't want to lose her to the dobe.

"Yeah, Naruto! Listen to Sasuke. He may be gay looking, but he knows what he's talking about!" Konohamaru jumped out of the bushes, making it look like he was spying on their conversation the whole time. "Hinata's nice, and Sakura's an ugly bitch!"

Sakura growled in Konohamaru's direction and an evil aura formed around her body. She stood next to a ten foot boulder and demolished it with her fists. "You're next." she said in a deadly hiss.

"She's ugly **AND** mean!" he cried.

"I-I...just...don't know!" Naruto yelled, looking back and forth between Hinata's innocent face and Sakura's sexy pout.

"Than I will help you." the clouds turned grey.

Everything was dark, the green grass suddenly turned brown, the air reeked with evil, and loud thunder struck Konohamaru.

"Ouch." he replied burnt from head to toe.

Everyone gasped.

"It's Orochimaru and his sidekick, Kabuto!" they screeched.

Kabuto crossed his arms. "I'm not a sidekick. We're not Batman and Robin, you know." he scoffed.

"Well, of course not. You two are the bad guys, Joker and...er...whoever his sidekick was." said Naruto.

"Anyways," Orochimaru casted a glare towards Naruto. "you should choose Sakura."

Everyone was confounded by his reply.

"She has big breast and everybody loves that, blah, blah, blah." he made gestures with his hands. "Choose Sakura, cause she's obviously the better choice." He held up a campaign sign that read,

VOTE FOR SAKURA

"Why?" Naruto asked.

Orochimaru face suddenly twisted.. "I just told you, you idiot."

"Yes, but I think he wants to know the REAL reason." Kabuto whispered.

Orochimaru glared down at the boy. "If you must know, once you and Sakura are together, Sasuke won't have any reason to chase after that woman and I could finally take over his body!" he laughed.

Ino and Sakura gasped, looking directly at Sasuke. "What?" he shrugged.

"You like Sakura?" Ino gasped a second time.

"Uh, yeeeah. Why else would I want Hinata to end up with Naruto." he laughed along with Neji and some other anonymous people who showed up just to see who will be with Naruto.

Ino cried. "ALL LIES!" she clung herself to Sasuke.

"I change my mind." Sasuke tried to pull her off. "Naruto, do me the favor and end up with her." he pointed at Ino.

"She's not even one of the choices!" Naruto said.

"I don't care, get her off my back!"

Ino cried some more. "LIES, EVERYONE IS LYING TO ME!"

"Naruto, who do you choose?" Sakura said once and for all.

"N-Naruto?" Hinata stammered.

Sakura glared at Hinata and Hinata at Sakura.

"Oh, why don't you just shut up, stutters." Sakura replied

"Go to hell, pinky." Hinata hissed.

Everyone gasped. No one has ever heard Hinata in such an agressive manner. "You should definitely pick Hinata, in the name of youth!" a green blur ran up the hills and laid a hand on Hinata's shoulder. "She has short hair, nice white eyes, and her hair is purple! Youthfully unusual." he flashed his abnormal white teeth and did a thumbs up.

"Who the hell cares! Sakura's hair is unusually PINK!" Kabuto shouted. Orochimaru patted his back.

"Good one, good one." he whispered.

"Oh, shut up, Lee. You just want Hinata to be with Naruto so you can be with Sakura." almost everyone knew this as a fact.

"Not true!" Lee replied. The entire hill of people shook their heads in silence. Pathetic, pathetic, green boy. Will he ever admit it. "Ok, it's true." his head dropped.

"STOP!" Sakura stood between the guys who wanted Hinata to end up with Naruto and the guys who wanted Sakura to end up with Naruto. "This is none of your business. Why are you even here? This is a private discussion between me, Naruto, and the girl no one pays attention to! Get out of here!"

"NO! NO! Don't go, help a guy out!" Naruto fell to his knees and begged.

Sakura glared down at the pathetic boy. "Shut up, Naruto. You don't get a say in this."

There goes another point for Sakura.

"If you want to know my opinion, I think you should choose Sakura." some guy with long hair stated.

"Now that guy can stay." Sakura smirked.

Everyone turned to face him and gasped. "HAKU!" they cried, well, the people who knew him. That basically meant, Sakura, Naruto and Sasuke.

"B-But, you're dead." Naruto pointed a shaky finger at him. "I even burried you!"

Haku glowered at him. "Yeah, don't ever do that again."

"I saw you die!" Sakura replied.

Haku's glare hardened. "Sure. And by the way, when you think someone is dead, make sure he's ACTUALLY dead before you decide to burry him!" he cried.

"Okay, but why Sakura?" Naruto asked.

"Yeah, why not me?" Hinata asked.

Haku shrugged. "How am I supposed to know. I just came here to make sure Naruto doesn't choose the wrong girl."

"You came all the way from the Wave Country, just to make sure Naruto doesn't choose the wrong girl?" Sasuke asked, it was sort of hard to believe.

"Got a problem with that, pretty boy?"

"Pretty boy? You're the one who looks like a girl!" Sasuke shouted in defense.

"Moving on." said Sakura. "Why are all the bad guys on my side?"

Everyone's minds drifted towards that very question. Why are all the bad guys on Sakura's side?

"Duh, we all have one thing in common.We want Sasuke." Orochimaru laughed along with his fellow sidekick.

"Er...not me." Haku muttered.

Everyone ignored him.

"And like I said before, if Naruto chooses you, Sasuke won't have a life and come back to me." Orochimaru replied with a smirk on his face.

"You have no idea how wrong you are." Sasuke muttered.

And just when you thought things were almost half way over, it was just the beginning! Itachi and his Akatsuki friends appeared out of thin air and fell to Sakura's side.

Sasuke gasped. "Itachi!" he cried. "My older, evil brother has finally come to fight me!" he stood firmly on the ground, forming a fighting stance.

Itachi quirked an eyebrow. "Uh, nooo. I came to make sure Naruto chooses Sakura."

"What the hell...," Sasuke stood up.

Itachi finally explained himself. "I figured all the bad guys were meeting here to have a discussion about the Akatsuki uniforms. I really don't want to go walking around with flowers on my coat everywhere I go! That's embarrassing. But unfortunately, the meeting came to this." he said pointed to Naruto, Sakura and Hinata.

"Okay, I still don't understand you at all." That, everyone can agree on. "But why do you choose Sakura?" asked Itachi's little brother, Sasuke.

Itachi shrugged. "All of the other bad guys were doing it, I JUST WANT TO BE POPULAR!" he cried a river.

Everyone looked at him pathetically. Including Sasuke,who lost ALL respect for him.

Kisame eyed him uneasily and spoke on behalf of Itachi, who was in a really sensitive mood right now. "Uh, he REALLY is an evil guy. Just because he's crying doesn't make him a sissy."

"Does in my book." Sasuke chuckled, along with everyone else.

Everyone, from bad guy, to good guy, all argued. Naruto should be with Sakura! Naruto should be Hinata! Everyone wanted Naruto to end up with SOMEBODY so they can just go home!

"Everyone, shut up!" Sakura shouted.

Soft features took over her face, and Naruto was obligated to listen.

"Naruto," she said in a gentle voice. "It doesn't matter who you pick." she told him in a reassuring voice. "Just follow your heart." she pointed at his chest.

Moved by her words, Naruto smiled and nodded his head. "Alright. Then I choose...,"

Everyone leaned closer to hear his answer

"Hinata!" he flashed a grin.

Sakura's eyes flared. "I said follow your freakin' heart, not choose HINATA!" she pulled out her kunai and chased Naruto around with it.

Suddenly, a huge black figure came falling from the sky. It was no other than Kakashi, the coolest guy in the series, with the perverted orange book!

HesmashedHinata into the ground with his butt. And suddenly, everyone was still.

Everyone's mouth gaped wide open and looked at Hinata and back to Kakashi.

"He killed Hinata!" Kiba pointed a shaky finger at Kakashi.

Kakashi looked down and scratched his head. "Er...," he laughed nervously. "Oops."

"Where the hell did you come from?.!" shouted Naruto.

Kakashi looked up into the sky. "I was in heaven. It was beautiful, the angels sang Justing Timberlake songs and the devil looked up with jealousy because God didn't invite him to into the singing contest-"

"LIAR!" the all pointed at him.

Kakashi shrugged. "I swear I'm telling the truth-"

He was interrupted by a low, deep growl coming from Sakura.

"Or I was spying up on a tree, that is,until a stupid bird kept pecking my eyes out."

That sounds about right.

"Well, Kakashi. Who would you choose if you were in my situation?" asked Naruto.

Kakashi looked down for a few seconds, and back up to stare into Naruto's blue eyes. "Well, since Hinata's dead, I guess it would be appropriate to date Sakura-"

"YAY!" the bad guys did the wave.

"NO!" the good guys fell to their knees and cried.

"Wait! Hinata's NOT dead!" shouted Neji.

Sasuke stood behind Hinata and lifted her up. He moved her arms around indicating that she was still alive. Or was she? "U-Uh, hey, it's me, Hinata. I love you Naruto." Sasuke tried his best to imitate her girly, stuttering voice. He failed miserably.

"Oh, please." everyone rolled their eyes.

"H-Hinata?" Naruto's eyes gulged out. "YOU'RE ALIVE!"

"Wow, even I'm not that stupid." muttered Ino.

Hinata's eyes fluttered open. "W-Where am I?"

"Wow, Sasuke's really good. I mean,exposing Hinata's eyes without even touching it? That's talent." said Shikamaru.

"That's exactly why I want him." Orochimaru licked his lips.

Everyone was like, "Ewww."

Sasuke was like, "Oh, sick! sick!"

Kakashi was like, "I gotta lose weight."

"W-What happened?" hmm...maybe she is alive?

"Whoa, I thought Kakashi's butt would've killed her already!" Kisame groaned.

The bad guys stared at Kakashi's butt and glared holes in it. "Curse you."

"Well, since Hinata's still alive. Then I choose her!"

Tables turned: The bad guysfell to their knees and cried. The good guys did the wave.

Hinata jumped up with victory, and Sasuke inwardly busted a move.

Sakura gave Naruto a two second head start, and after one second, she started chasing him again. And this time, with a sharper kunai.

"Atleast you get to be with Sasuke!" he cried.

"Sure, but that doesn't mean I can't kill you!" she shouted.

All the bad guys groaned with a humiliating defeat and went their seperate ways.The good guys celebrated with booze and threw a party!

And so in conclusion, Sakura ended up with Sasuke, the bad guys lose, the good guys win, Naruto chose Hinata, Kakashi needs to loosesome weight,and Haku is NOT dead.

**The End**

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